Trigger Warning: Birth Trauma
After years of excruciating periods, I was diagnosed with endometriosis in my mid-teens. Being told at the ripe old age of 16 that you would more than likely struggle to fall pregnant naturally isn’t really something you want to hear.
I am the kind of person who likes to be proactive, so when my partner, Rhys and I decided to start trying for a baby, I spoke with my Specialist and made sure we were doing all the right things to increase our chances of conceiving naturally, and so when at 25, after only 10 months of trying, I was shocked when the pregnancy test showed 2 faint lines, just 2 days before we were booked to see the Specialist to discuss IVF options.
With being pregnant comes questions of ‘What’s your birth plan?’. Working in the medical industry, I knew that nothing ever goes to plan, so my plan was, if Bub and I got through it safely, then that’s all that mattered. I wanted to go into the experience with an open mind, and in hindsight, maybe it was too open.
I loved the idea of the Midwifery Group Program; and was paired with such a beautiful, kind-hearted Midwife! Unforeseen circumstances meant that a few weeks before my birth, I was given a new Midwife.
I had a pregnancy complicated by hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) and a suspected cytomegalovirus infection (CMV). I seemed to pick up every cold and flu going around at the time, but I thought if I had to take the brunt of illness so Bub would be safe, then that was all that mattered. This led to a few hospital visits for fluids due to dehydration and monthly scans/blood tests to monitor Bub.
Quickly, my ‘due date’ approached, and both Rhys and I were so excited to meet our girl and see who she was and would be. On the 14th of March, I was excited to lose my mucus plug, in hopes that this would start the process of labour. It wasn’t until the 16th of March that I started to feel any tightening’s. I had experienced Braxton Hicks from 20ish weeks; and the tightening’s I was feeling were different. At this point, I gave my midwife a bell just to go over at what point it would be best to head to the hospital.
As the day progressed, the tightening’s were inconsistent and differed in intensity. Just after midnight on the 17th, I woke with more intense pain, so I popped on my tens machine to see if that would give me some relief. At around 2:00 a.m., things started to progress, and living 8 minutes from the hospital, I decided I wanted to go in and get checked. My waters had not yet broken, but the contractions were consistent.
We presented to the birthing suite, and I was checked. Bub was 2/5 engaged, and I was 2 cm dilated. My midwife suggested administration of Endone and head home to get some rest. Living close to the hospital, Rhys and I were happy with this option, so off we went.
At around 6:30AM I remember waking to a popping sensation, it was then I realised my waters had broken, so I jumped in the shower to clean up and use the warm water to my advantage to help with contractions. We gave the birthing suite a call to update them, and they advised that if things didn’t progress in 4 hours, I may need to go in for another assessment. Around 2 hours later, things had started to ramp up. I was vomiting and was quite uncomfortable. It was at that point we decided to head into the hospital.
On presenting to the hospital, we were set up in the birthing suite. Having a water birth was something I liked the idea of, so I got in the bath to see if that would help with the pain. I remember spending a fair bit of time in the bath, and it did help in relaxing me, but I found I was still experiencing a fair bit of pain, so I decided to ask for the gas. At around 1:00 p.m., I consented to another check, and unfortunately, was only 3 cm dilated. I found this quite deflating as I was in a significant amount of pain with contractions, specifically in my right hip/lower back, which to me felt like a grinding pain.
By this point, I decided to consent to an epidural. I understood that birth is supposed to be painful, but something about what I was feeling didn’t feel right.
At around 3:00 p.m., the 1st epidural was sighted. I think at this point I was able to get some sleep. The midwives also encouraged Rhys to get some sleep as well, and they would wake him when he was needed. In hindsight, I am so glad he agreed, because we would later learn that he would need it. My contractions started to slow down, and at this point were 2 in 10 minutes. I later learnt that at this point they realised my labour had stalled and suggested the Syntocinon drip. I was also still using the gas as I wasn’t getting adequate relief from the epidural. I had a full block on my left side but could feel almost everything on my left including the excruciating grinding pain in my right hip/lower back with every contraction. By this point, my normal midwife had gone home due to shift change, but the new midwife that I had was amazing in advocating for investigation of the epidural.
With the conclusion being the epidural had failed, the anaesthetist recommended it be resighted. While the 2nd epidural was sighted, I experienced a significant drop in my blood pressure. This resulted in a team of midwives, and the obstetrician coming into the room as Bub’s heart rate also dropped, this resulted in the Syntocinon been turned off. Rhys woke in a bit of shock to this episode, a bit unsure of what was going on.
It was assumed that the Epidural was incorrectly sighted (No one’s fault) and that it had penetrated the sack in which the spinal cord is, which resulted in the Hypotensive Episode. This meant the Epidural line had to be disconnected and would have to be manually topped up. Eventually, Bub’s heart rate came back up, and they were able to turn the Syntocinon back on. I was now contracting 3 in 10 minutes. I remember getting good pain relief from the epidural, but unfortunately, this was short-lived, and I again started to feel everything on my right side.
My midwife again did an amazing job in advocating for me with the Anaesthetist and asking them to come and top up the Epidural. I remember this happening quite a few times before I asked what the next steps would be as after almost 24 hours of labour, I was exhausted and still only at 4cm. I was also still on the Syntocinon drip, which seemed to be slowing my contractions rather than helping.
Early on the 18th of March, the midwives started to notice decelerations on the CTG. I still did not have an adequate block with the Epidural and was using the gas to help. I remember feeling so exhausted by this point. Due to the stalling of labour, baby’s decels, and length of labour, the Obstetrician recommended an Emergency Caesarean.
I remember been wheeled to theatre, Rhys was given a set of scrubs, booties and a hair net and instructed to wait outside until the spinal was in. I was given something to make me vomit all the food I had eaten within the last 24 hours. When it was time for the Spinal to be placed, I was sat on the edge of the operating table, leaning over a pillow for optimal positioning. Been given a spinal during back-to-back contractions is hard, and after what felt like an eternity, it was finally in.
After been laid back on the bed and the drape put up to block our view, Rhys was brought back in. The Obstetrician and Anaesthetist started pinching my upper abdomen asking if I could feel it, I still could. They gave it a few minutes and asked again, I could still feel it, at this stage the Anaesthetist put the bed into Trendelenburg Position. A few minutes later, they asked again if I could feel the pinching and unfortunately, I could. It had been 15 minutes since the spinal was administered, devastatingly, it had failed. The only option was to perform the Caesarean under a General Anaesthetic. Rhys was taken out of Theatre, and I was put to sleep.
Our beautiful daughter, Remi, was born on the 18th of March 2024 @ 6:16AM – Due to the General Anaesthetic, she did experience some respiratory distress, but this quickly resolved. Rhys was brought back into Theatre and was there to cut the cord and witness Remi’s first moments in this world.
I remember waking up in recovery, feeling devastated, but so eager to meet my girl. It wasn’t until 7:53AM that Rhys was able to bring Remi to me. I couldn’t believe she was real, and I couldn’t believe she was ours.
We stayed in hospital for 2 days following the birth and it wasn’t until a few days following our return home that I realised the magnitude of what had just happened, and what I was feeling. After longing to be a Mum for as long as I can remember, and dreaming about what the birth would be like, I missed the birth of my daughter, and I felt an unexplainable sense of grief. We were so lucky that we had a healthy and happy baby girl, but I had missed the thing that had brought her into the world.
The following weeks were complicated by latch issues, oversupply & a bought of Mastitis that ended me back in hospital 9 days post-partum and put on the septic pathway. It was at this stage, that I decided for the sake of my mental health, that I would stop breastfeeding and dry up my milk. My daughter needed me more as her mother than her food supply.
After the birth, the original midwife I had, had come back from leave and read my case. She reached out and offered to have a debriefing with me and I jumped at the opportunity. It was here I found out that Remi had turned during labour and the pain I was experiencing was because she was stuck posterior. A fact that was not disclosed to Rhys or I, during labour.
I also requested my hospital records; in the hopes it would fill in some of the blanks. Reading it has helped fill some of these, but it is not something I look through often as I know it isn’t going to answer ‘why’ to some of the questions I have, and unfortunately I don’t think I will ever know ‘why’.
I am seeing a counsellor through the local hospital and am about to embark on EMDR Therapy in hopes that in the future I can think about the birth of my daughter and not feel grief for what I missed. And that one day I’ll be ready to give Remi a sibling and not feel horrified at the thought.
Being a Mum is the most incredible thing I have ever done, the indescribable love, makes every hard thing I went through to get her here worth it, but doesn’t make the experience any less traumatic.
